Reasons Why I May Be A Five-Year-Old

Dear Reader,

I started life as a child, but I grew up to become a kindergarten teacher. I have been teaching for too long, and I have begun to wonder if I am turning back into a five-year-old. Not possible, you say? I beg to differ. All the proof you need is below. It’s too late for me, but it’s not too late to save yourself.

Reasons Why I May Be A Five-Year-Old

I try to solve problems in my life the way a five year tries to untie a knot in their shoelace - by pulling both ends as hard as they can.

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Sometimes I don’t go to the bathroom all day, and sometimes I need to pee every three minutes.

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I cannot focus on anything when it is snowing.

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I want to know how things work. I will not understand the answer.

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My art vibe is draw the way a five year old draws WHATEVER THEY FEEL LIKE WHENEVER THEY FEEL LIKE IT!!!

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What do you mean my shirt has been inside out all day?

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I answer Yes or No questions with very long stories.

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I lie to myself the way a five-year-old lies to your face with a mouthful of cookie that they did not, in fact, steal a cookie.

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If I don’t go to bed in the shockingly short “I’m sleepy” window that life provides for me every evening, then then I am up all night.

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Fish sticks, mozzarella sticks, chicken nuggets, basically reshaped rectangle food is delicious.

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I experience life the way a five-year-old experiences their first loose tooth. “What is happening? Why is this happening? Will I get a dollar?”

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Do you believe me now?

How about now?

Now?

Regardless, thank you for hearing me out. See you next time. I have some re-growing up to do.

-Avi